Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
