I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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