my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
