Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
MIDGETS
????
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
