We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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