Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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