i may or may not be watching the land before time
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
