There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
