We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
