everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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