I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
