Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
