I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
