Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
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I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
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I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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