So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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