I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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