I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
