I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
