Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
