I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
