so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
