I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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