yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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