u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
