I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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