ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
