So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
