I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
