Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
