Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
