Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I still have a little drunk in my system
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
