No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
