his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
