I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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