i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
