At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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