Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
