so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
