remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
