There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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