I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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