'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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