my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
