You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
