Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
