She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
