A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
