I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
