I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I deserve this hangover.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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