Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
