Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
True strength comes from lack of pants
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
