Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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