You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Vodka?
Forever.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
