Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
