No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
