I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
