Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
