Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
