the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
