I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
