Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
